I wished I were dead. Truly dead. And then the most natural question came to my mind.

When I was 19 years old, I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital for wanting to commit suicide. I had a plan. I had a means. I wanted to drive my car into a brick building as fast as I could. I was already at the hospital for a day program. But I was overcome with this feeling that I must see the counselor Right Now. So i did. I told him of my plan. He asked me for my car keys. I did not want to give them to him. But again, I was overcome with that same feeling. So I handed my keys over. Then checked myself into the inpatient unit.

I was beyond sad. Beyond the depths of despair. I remember laying in bed one night listening to my anorexic drug addicted roommate snore, and all I could think of was how I wished I were dead. Truly dead. Obsolete. Never to exist further. Wishing I had never existed prior. I got up to use the restroom and was so tired I couldn’t even feel the anger I’d felt earlier that evening that our mirror was plastic so I couldn’t break it and cut myself deep enough to make a difference.

No. I was too tired now. So I laid back in bed and cried. Sobbed those tears that ache in your ribs. I cried big fat salty tears and wished someone were there to wipe them away. I ached to have someone take this pain away. And then the most natural question came to my mind.

“God! Where are you?”

Immediately I felt arms encircling me. As I sat in the dark, on my bed, I felt a presence. I never had to ask that usual second question “Why have you abandoned me?” Because I knew that Jesus Christ, Himself, was there holding me in His arms. I could not see Him with my eyes. But I cannot deny He was there. His gentle and tangible comfort and love were so distinct and Real. He stayed  until I fell asleep.

I had a few more days left after that in the hospital before I would go home. I kept this experience to myself  Can you imagine how it would look if I started speaking of seeing God? In a psychiatric hospital? No. This was a very special experience. Only a few know up to this point. So why am I sharing this story?

Even in your darkest moments of the very heaviest of chains of hells in the hottest heats of the most blistering fires or bitterest colds of the most frigid ices, Even when your sorrows and pains of agony leave you screaming in your head but silent as the dead on the outside. God Is There. Jesus Christ Is There. He is there not by your side, but hugging you and holding you until you sleep so you can wake to face the next day. Jesus Christ KNOWS ALL that we feel. Which is why I think I could feel so comforted that night so many years ago. He knew how I felt, so He knew just how to hold me to help calm me until I slept.

My hope in sharing this experience is that someone will regain a bit of Hope and the Strength to keep on going until things get better, Things always change-- and “better” usually doesn’t happen overnight. So I wish for all to know, you can be comforted and encouraged each night by the encircling arms of Jesus Christ. His love and comfort is distinct to your needs because He knows you and knows perfectly what you need.

Even now  in quiet peaceful moments  I can still feel His arms about me. And I know that God was there. He sent His Son to comfort me. To give me the peace and rest to make it through one more night. And now 17 years later I’m just as blessed and grateful for that experience in that small room in a psychiatric hospital where I had nothing left but a feeble cry of “God! Where are you?” And He came!

‘Til next time,

Arla

celebrating my 36th birthday!

DRAMA: A Play or A Plague?

Has someone ever told you that you have Drama in your life? Have you ever said to yourself, “My life has too much Drama!” What of other people’s lives? Have the words “Your life is too much Drama!” come out of your mouth?

Drama is the #17 Plague* of our times. Our lives don’t slow down. Time doesn’t slow down. The clock keeps ticking on. And on. And on. Until we go mad! Or we die! Or we just admit we all have DRAMA in our lives!!

So let’s all calm down. Take it down a notch. Or two. or 5.

Drama is all relative. We ALL have drama. We’ve all heard of “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.” right? We all have those good and great times in life. Those not so good, bad, difficult times. And Then There’s The UGLY. Those are often the terrible times. The DRAMA times.

Some people seem to never have drama. You know those people? The ones who have it together. You see them and think “Man! I wish I could be half as much as they are because everything goes right for them!” The ones with the right job. Right family. Right home. Right circle of friends. Right everything! --- And then there are the people who always seem to have drama. The ones who always have something to say. Always have a story to tell. You might wish you could help them. Give them “something”, you just don’t know what that something is. You might also wish you didn’t have to talk to them or be near them because you feel uncomfortable. You might feel sheepishly grateful that you don’t have drama in your life. Phew!

Drama is all relative. We ALL have drama. Some people express more- use more descriptive language. Some people barely speak any large words at all. Ever. It is their way. Some have more distinct tones and attitudes towards life. Positive or negative. Sunshine vs Rainpours. Drama is more than just the person speaking about their own lives. It’s about communication. In most cases, the person receiving the information is the one who actually decides if the Giver’s information is Drama. If the Receiver is the one to make that judgment call, then how do we apply this theory to our own lives?

It is well known that the term DRAMA is fabulous when coined with plays. Theatrical endeavours are rarely made of success without superb drama! Yet when DRAMA is set against the human life, immediately lips purse, tisks and head shakes begin, and negativity abounds. So what if we look at this DRAMA from the idea that no one has Drama in their lives until someone else places Dramatic Value there. In other words, if I converse with someone who tells me of a series of events in her life, I now judge them- a quite natural human response, I might add- to be either calm or turbulent events. Positive or Negative. I must decide to be forgiving or accusatory-- all done quite unconsciously-- towards the events told to me. It is I, who decides whether this person’s life is full of DRAMA or not. Not she. So if it is I who decides, then how would I wish others to see me? See my life? Treat my events told? If I am the Giver of the information, how would I want the listener to receive my words?

Drama is all relative. We ALL have drama. It is the transfer of the information- the Communication between humans with individual minds and hearts that can create barriers and/or foster love and tolerance.

The Plague of Drama.

Communication is Key. By doing the following, each of us helps prevent the spread of this awful plague and infection as well as helps heal our own infections. Communication is two ways, so productive positive communication benefits both parties. Every time.

.

ACTIVE LISTENING

• Listen to the message-- try to relate to at least two things the person is saying
• Relax your body, especially your face. When your face is relaxed, your jaws are relaxed, and your ears are more open allowing sound to enter more fully. It is easier to hear and less stressful and less “headachey” to relax your entire face and body. 
• Make eye contact--show that you are paying attention 
• Then Pay Attention!

POSITIVE FEEDBACK

• Share how you related to the 2 things the person said while you listened
• Agreeing with statements and Supporting the Giver of information are different. Support the Giver.
• Use “I feel…” statements. These help reduce accusatory negative responses. 
• Use “I feel…” statements. These help share love and appreciation responses.

Communication is a Skill that can be difficult at first. It takes practice! So practice!  

Remember, we all play the roles of the Givers and Receivers in life. As we become better at communication, especially with DRAMA conversations, surprisingly- these conversations will seem less and Less and LESS drama and more simple conversations about LIFE.

‘Til next time,

Arla

*completely fabricated number with absolutely no references to support said statement. I merely like the number 17.

Somewhere between twilight and midnight skies time

I love the sky! I love the clear azure blue; the puffy caricature clouds; the dark stormy seas of swirling clouds lowering deep into tips of funnels while the sky turns green; the soft steel gray where you hear profound silence while snow falls. There are so many amazing skies. I couldn’t possibly describe them all.

Can you see in your eyes the streaks across the sky that light it up like fire in the evening? Clouds must be present to create such beauty. Close your eyes and watch the sun sink lower and lower beneath the horizon. (Well, close your eyes after you’ve read this through once) Dusk is somewhere between that hazy lazy dusky rosey sky and the deep flames that consume the entire sky with it’s brilliance. Twilight is the deeper hues of blues, violets, and purples-- the magical time that lasts only a short few moments. It’s when you turn your back to go inside and at your glance back- it’s gone. You’ve missed it. Sighs all around because now you wait for the midnight sky. Midnight is the deep blackest blue.

But tonight I would like to touch on the Somewhere between the twilight and midnight skies.

I love to go outside at night to talk to God. I love nature. I feel very intune with nature. I feel God has done a Marvelous job creating this world. And sometimes I go outside to talk to Him. It is usually late at night. Midnight sky time. I am a night owl. I can’t remember the last time I saw the sun rise. Sometimes I go out in the afternoon rainstorm sky. I love rain. But it’s usually midnight sky time because everyone is in their homes, so if i feel like talking quietly out loud, I can do so without feeling awkward.

Well, the other night I went out in Somewhere between twilight and midnight skies time. The world was hushed. It was a cold windy night. No one, but me, wanted to be outside. I had been talking to God about something. I was praying for something very specific. You know those moments? Is God listening? Does He listen? Is there a God? Does He know you? Well, I know there is a God. I know He knows me. I know He listens when I pray. But Was He Listening to This Very Prayer??? Right NOW??? I needed Him to hear this prayer. I was outside. But I felt disconnected. And I Always feel connected to God when I’m outside. I was sitting on my stone steps and sighed. I sighed and thought “God isn’t listening right now.” Then I leaned back to rest my arms on the step behind me and I looked up. Do you know what I saw?

No. I did not see God.

I saw the Pecan tree with stars twinkling brightly through the bare winter branches. I stared at them. I traced the graceful lines of the branches that only nature-- through God-- could create. I looked at the stars and was filled with such appreciation that the sky was clear- no clouds to block my view of such wonderment! I felt connected to God. I knew that He in fact was listening to my prayer- that prayer- at that very moment! Gratitude filled my heart.

It amazes me how such a little thing like pecan tree branches and stars could bring comfort and gratitude to my heart. How many times in our lives do we skip past the Somewhere between twilight and midnight skies time thinking those hours are dreary, dreadful, and depressing? When in fact, they are hours filled with pleasantry, peace, and possibilities! What a delightful outlook!

May we all enjoy our Somewhere between twilight and midnight skies time- every day!

‘Til next time,

Arla

Blogging-Not-Jogging-Sitting-Comfortably-On-My-Bed

This is my third blogging-not-jogging-sitting-comfortably-on-my-bed post. And I have already learned a few things. 

1. Never copy the blog site from mobile version onto Facebook. It posts the mobile version of the blog. And that version looks Terrible! I haven't found an alternative that suits my needs better than what I've got. ... SO-- Always post links through Web Version.

2. Never post when I have a headache. All the words blur and blend together. Good ideas seem Great! When in fact, they might just be mediocre. 

3. Blogging takes Time! Seriously! Who knew? Not me! But I sure do love it. Because I love sharing ideas, thoughts, feelings, momentous and minute occasions, etc. Besides, time stands still for no man- so why not blog? --that should be stitched on a pillow! Then sold on Etsy. Haha! Once again, I crack myself up! Even if no one else laughs- I am laughing out loud in my apartment at my own corny joke. Sigh. 

4. It is OK- and is in fact an excellent idea- to keep a running list of topics that I'd like to discuss on my blog. If I don't make a list- I am sure to forget some of them. I know I already have forgotten some; I hope I remember them soon. They were awesome ideas. Very entertaining, brilliant, spectacular, amazing, wonderful, delightful, etc. At least I can only assume they were because I cannot remember them exactly (not at all) But if I came up with the ideas than they must be so. 

5. Put the computer down when I feel overwhelmed. My following that consists of roughly 3 people- my mom and i'm hoping 2 friends- would rather have me whole and happy rather than in pieces freaking out because I can't finish my blog. 

6. It is just a blog. Maybe I really should go out and jog every once in awhile. ... Maybe.

'Til next time!

Arla

it was a Simple Night of Basic Pinecones, Black Powder, and Nature's Spirals

Pinecones-- Charcoal Style!!

My two pinecone examples for the girls

Yesterday evening I had the immense pleasure to teach Art to the the girls for our Wednesday night church activity. It was a quick decision to do art-- luckily I always have a few things in mind in case we need a last minute Art Class. So last night was Charcoal Pinecones. Of course, when I do Art, the girls know we get dirty. We do new and exciting things. And we always learn. I love teaching Art!

Our supplies for the night

I adore charcoal. Getting messy-- hands, arms, face, clothes- they all seem to get messy. There's something so satisfying about getting a near black soot-like substance on you while you scrape, smudge, rub, scratch, smooth or whiff it on or away from the paper!

Kneaded erasers don’t actually erase everything off the paper every time- but they do clean your hands, clean the table, and absorb an enormous amount of charcoal with no detriment to the eraser or the papers. I always wonder at how the substance can absorb so much residue and still function perfectly

The Most Amazing Eraser Ever!

I love using charcoal to draw pinecones because you can really see the changing of the deep inset darkness of the cavity of the pinecone while the lightness of the far-outreaching spindles bring back a delicate balance. --- Because of the nature of the internet and the safety of children's privacy, none of their beautiful works are displayed. However, I have the work of my partner in crime last night, Alison, here to show off! I love her pinecones! One quite literal- so detailed and exact. Another abstract- jokingly said by she that it was a dragonfruit instead of a pinecone! Another is the hint of a shadow of a cone- and then a spindel of a cone. Have I told you how much I love teaching Art?!!

Alison Ashley's Pinecone Party!

The beauty and simplicity of the pinecone is quite marvelous. Pinecones are mathematically correct. They are spirals. All of them. It's amazing! Have you ever heard of the Fibonacci Sequence? It’s all about the growth sequence found in nature. This is a short video The Fibonacci Sequence showing just how intricate this nature’s sequence really is!

Well, it was a simple night of basic pinecones, black powder, and nature's spirals. An incredible Delight!

'Til next time!

Arla

And So It Begins

Hello! and Welcome! After six years, my blog is finally coming to life! It’s incredibly exciting and quite terrifying as well. Because seriously- we all know that bloggers are REAL with the readers! The blogger is “just sayin’ it how it is people!” And the blogger is Definitely Connecting with You- the actively fascinated onlooker into the blogger’s life. It’s true-- all of it!

So why am I now a blogger? I’d rather blog than jog. Hahaha- that just made me crack up! Seriously though. the world is filled with Amazing things! Great things! Wondrous and delightful things! Not all are of the positive nature. Not all are of the negative nature. I believe that life is about finding those Amazing, Great, Wondrous, Delightful things and figuring out what to do with them in order to continue having a happy joyful life.

A little bit about me then we’re done for the day:

I was born at an early age. Today I am 35 years old. My birthday is in August and I celebrate it the entire month-- August 2016 is only 7 months away. But who’s counting? Me. An entire month of celebrations? Yes. I am counting. .. As of today, I am writing in my 37th journal. I adore my journals. One day I may write a book with them.

I am an artist. My favorite is painting with oils. But I do all sorts of things. You’ll see my works in the future. I have a bachelors of Science in Nursing. I practiced for several years as a psychiatric nurse but set it aside to practice artistry.

There are many more things about me, but just two more things are of great importance. The previously written of were a taste of the “incredibly exciting” part of my blog. These are the “quite terrifying” part. The first I am somewhat guarded with. The second I have not spoken of but for the most rare occasion.

#1. I am a Mormon. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have always been guarded for fear of ridicule and ill treatment. Such concerns had foundation. Yet, that can be true for many things. And I am proud, grateful and blessed to be a Mormon. AND it will be a complete necessity to know for future blog posts.

#2. I have bipolar. Ah. Now this “little tidbit” brings it back full circle to the point of this blog. All Things Amazing! Great Wonder and Delight. I was born with the gene. I will live with the gene. I will die with the gene. And this particular gene- this bipolar o’ mine- has, does, and will bring many Amazing, Great, Wondrous, and Delightful things into my life.

‘Til next time!

Arla

#itjustgotrealpeople #blognotjog #art #artist #nursing #changingcareersinmythirties #iamamormon #mormon #LDS #bipolar #twopolarskeepingitreal