I wished I were dead. Truly dead. And then the most natural question came to my mind.

When I was 19 years old, I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital for wanting to commit suicide. I had a plan. I had a means. I wanted to drive my car into a brick building as fast as I could. I was already at the hospital for a day program. But I was overcome with this feeling that I must see the counselor Right Now. So i did. I told him of my plan. He asked me for my car keys. I did not want to give them to him. But again, I was overcome with that same feeling. So I handed my keys over. Then checked myself into the inpatient unit.

I was beyond sad. Beyond the depths of despair. I remember laying in bed one night listening to my anorexic drug addicted roommate snore, and all I could think of was how I wished I were dead. Truly dead. Obsolete. Never to exist further. Wishing I had never existed prior. I got up to use the restroom and was so tired I couldn’t even feel the anger I’d felt earlier that evening that our mirror was plastic so I couldn’t break it and cut myself deep enough to make a difference.

No. I was too tired now. So I laid back in bed and cried. Sobbed those tears that ache in your ribs. I cried big fat salty tears and wished someone were there to wipe them away. I ached to have someone take this pain away. And then the most natural question came to my mind.

“God! Where are you?”

Immediately I felt arms encircling me. As I sat in the dark, on my bed, I felt a presence. I never had to ask that usual second question “Why have you abandoned me?” Because I knew that Jesus Christ, Himself, was there holding me in His arms. I could not see Him with my eyes. But I cannot deny He was there. His gentle and tangible comfort and love were so distinct and Real. He stayed  until I fell asleep.

I had a few more days left after that in the hospital before I would go home. I kept this experience to myself  Can you imagine how it would look if I started speaking of seeing God? In a psychiatric hospital? No. This was a very special experience. Only a few know up to this point. So why am I sharing this story?

Even in your darkest moments of the very heaviest of chains of hells in the hottest heats of the most blistering fires or bitterest colds of the most frigid ices, Even when your sorrows and pains of agony leave you screaming in your head but silent as the dead on the outside. God Is There. Jesus Christ Is There. He is there not by your side, but hugging you and holding you until you sleep so you can wake to face the next day. Jesus Christ KNOWS ALL that we feel. Which is why I think I could feel so comforted that night so many years ago. He knew how I felt, so He knew just how to hold me to help calm me until I slept.

My hope in sharing this experience is that someone will regain a bit of Hope and the Strength to keep on going until things get better, Things always change-- and “better” usually doesn’t happen overnight. So I wish for all to know, you can be comforted and encouraged each night by the encircling arms of Jesus Christ. His love and comfort is distinct to your needs because He knows you and knows perfectly what you need.

Even now  in quiet peaceful moments  I can still feel His arms about me. And I know that God was there. He sent His Son to comfort me. To give me the peace and rest to make it through one more night. And now 17 years later I’m just as blessed and grateful for that experience in that small room in a psychiatric hospital where I had nothing left but a feeble cry of “God! Where are you?” And He came!

‘Til next time,

Arla

celebrating my 36th birthday!