I was in a relationship once where I thought everything was great. And I thought he did too. Of course, I speak in past tense now. I often wonder what happened to cause this man to walk away. He knew I have bipolar disorder. I asked him if it mattered. He said no. But I don’t know if I really believed him. He sounded sincere enough, but really? Did he honestly believe that the bipolar didn’t matter? Or was he just trying to appease me before leaving a few months later.
He had his own issues. They truly never mattered to me. Maybe he didn’t believe me-- just like I didn’t believe him. But I do believe he loved me. I certainly loved him. I tried many times to figure things out. Wondering why things ended. Could they begin again. Praying to God that He might make it all better. At least my version of better. But He didn’t.
So I feel stripped bare. Down to the raw emotions trying to find the logic in my life. Not knowing how to allow myself to love someone else. What if the next man loves me but decides to act as the previous one did? What if I just can’t get this one out of my head and heart? And let me tell you, having bipolar disorder is rough. It comes with anxiety, depression, mania, obsessive thinking, paranoia, etc. The journey has not been easy.
I am ever grateful to this man because I am a better woman having met him. And I am most grateful to my family and friends who have helped me along this interesting, dynamic, and at times painful journey of trying to leave behind a loved one. My Faith in God has truly been my saving grace. We are all human and we all have our struggles. This is one of mine.
'Til next time,
Arla
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